Our 2nd to last Christmas with Christian

Our little man endured 5 high dose chemo treatments and 2 stem cell recovery procedures all within 4 months. His treatment moved fast and the days were a spinning blur to me. Christmas was coming and the doctors wanted him to have his transplant a few days before which meant Christian would be in the hospital over Christmas-NO WAY WAS I WILLING TO DO THIS! They wanted me to give up what might be my last Christmas with my son, I was a WRECK! I knew he had to have the transplant, I just didn't want him in the hospital at Christmas. The doctors told us we kind of had no choice. The only way he wouldn't be is if his numbers weren't high enough yet. By the grace of God, it took Christian an extra week to get his numbers high enough for the transplant-so we got him home for Christmas. You see, his blood count had to be high enough, because the first 4 days of his transplant they would knock out his system completely with high doses of chemo so the stem cells would rebuild his immune system from the beginning. Scary stuff and I hope to never have to do it again to another one of my children. We enjoyed our luck of having Christian home and taped our entire Christmas celebration(usually we just tape coming down the stairs in the morning and opening their Santa gift). We felt very blessed to be home on this sacred day, but at the same time my heart was breaking about what was going to happen in two days. Christian was scheduled to enter PCMC on the 27th of December and I was told I wouldn't be able to see him because of the baby. I was a complete wreck, but after some long talks with the docs they agreed to let Laney come with me as long as Christian didn't hold her. This condition was very hard for him, because he loved holding his baby sister, but we didn't want the slight case of infection to harm him, so we abided by the docs' requests. We enjoyed every moment of our holiday with family and we tried to not think about the transplant, but everyone knew and felt the elephant in the room. It was a tenseful situation, but I'm still grateful for having Christian at home for Christmas. The small blessings that we received daily with Christian were numerous, even though it took me until now to realize them all. It's a hard thing to recognize all the ways we were blessed when the number one thing we prayed for didn't happen. It's a hard, sometimes unbearable thing, living without my son. I try everyday to not let it destroy or beat me. I know he's happy and healthier where he's at. I just wish I could still have him here and raise him with his sisters and brothers. I know through the grace of God and His love for me and the hubs we will make it through this new life we have and we WILL be with our son again, it will just be some time. My heart goes out to parents who loose their children in an instant, who have no time to prepare their goodbyes, no time to build up more memories, no time to prepare their child for leaving them, no time for that last kiss and hug. I'm grateful for the time, even though it was only 18 months. I'm grateful that God gave me Christian and entrusted me with his short, miraculous life. He was an amazing little boy and I will ache for him everyday for the rest of my life, but at least I know he is and will be mine FOREVER!

The treatments begin!

So, after his surgery we had his first high dose chemo scheduled only 6 days later. Because of his high-dose chemo, he needed to stay in the hospital. I was with him for 4 of the 5 chemos. Eric did the last one with him, due to the fact I had just had our 4th child. On Christian's 3rd treatment I had a huge problem and almost lost our baby. My blood pressure had crept up so high while all this was going on that I passed out and was needed to be seen by the doctors downstairs in the ER. It was a very scary and maddening event. I had to leave Christian in the middle of the night to stupidly take care of myself, but again, it was for the health of the new baby coming. Luckily, we were both fine after some time, but the stress was not helping and after that scare my doctor decided we needed to have the baby sooner rather than later. Hence why I was only able to be with my boy for his first 4 treatments.

He handled them all so well. He didn't get sick, we asked them to give him all that they could on the anti-nausea meds. He had a nice cocktail of 4 meds before receiving his chemo. It was a lot, but we wanted him to feel okay and not be sick all the time. God blessed us with Christian being well throughout all this time. And, although I didn't feel it at the time, he blessed us with having Laney when we did. Christian loved that little girl like she was his own. He was always holding, reading, and playing with her. Even when he wasn't feeling good at the end, he still wanted to play with her. We now have another pair just like that with Logan and Bella. Funny how life works out like that.

The worse thing about all his treatments was the day they had to do his 2nd stem cell recovery(this was so they could wash his stem cells and put them back during his transplant). It was scheduled for October 24th, the same day I HAD to be induced due to complications. Worst and best day of my life. Worst, because I had to make the choice to let my MIL be with Christian during his treatment, because Eric refused to miss Laney's birth. I didn't want him to miss it, but I felt like Christian needed at least one of his parents with him. It wasn't a bad thing to be doing, but it was yet again another procedure being done to his poor little 3 yr. old body. I wanted to be there with my boy, but our new little baby was at risk and so the choice was made for me-LABOR!

Luckily, the heavens were with us and both Christian and our new baby girl were taken care of and the day ended well. I just wish I had been able to be with Christian and then have Laney later. This was not to be the last time I would have to make a hard choice between Christian and the other children. The whole 18 months from start to finish included hard choices daily.

He was so happy though to come to meet his baby sister after his procedure. I was glad to see him and cried when I saw him hold her for the first time. I knew he wasn't going to get to see her grow up and it broke my heart. We only had whatever time God was going to grant us, but luckily through His graces, we were given almost every day of those 18 months without any infections or hospital days that weren't procedure days. On top of that, Eric was allowed to work from home so he could spend almost everyday with our sweet boy. Again, I wish I could say that I spent all my time with him, but after having a newborn I was unable to stay with him during his transplants so it fell to Eric. It was a good thing and bad thing at the same time. I wanted to be with him, but it gave Eric much needed time with his son. I went almost everyday to see them both, but it started taking a toll on the girls, so during his 2nd transplant I only went every other day, but we were blessed that he was able to come home quickly after both transplants. Usually after the first transplant patients stay for 4 weeks, Christian was home on day 22. Then after the 2nd one patients stay for 5-6 weeks, again Christian was home on day 23. Although God did not heal Christian, He did give us more time with him and made Christian well enough to be happy and playful. I miss my boy very much and it has been hard to do this journal(as you can tell, since I have not written for 5 months), especially right now with our other son's impending 5th birthday, but I need to do this for him and my other children. Christian Eric was a very special boy and a very amazing, strong spirit. I believe this more and more as I write the account of what took place through those short 18 months. He defied what doctors said would happen to him, many times. He was happy, when he should have been crying or scared. He looked healthy, when he should have looked sickly and weak. He even kept trying to hang on, when he should have let go. Finally, in the end, in heartfelt screams and pleading prayers, I asked for Heavenly Father to do His will and take my son away from his pain. Take him into His arms and take care of him in heaven since I couldn't bear to see him in pain. I told Christian it was okay to let go, we would be fine and OKAY without him. I would be with him shortly and we would be happy together. I lied to him, but he finally let go on Monday evening, February 7th, 2005. That night he passed through the veil and part of me did die with his passing and I am here now trying my hardest to find that part again, but know I might never.

My new Christian

This was Christian's 3rd birthday party at Jungle Jim's. He was always such a smiley guy and loved adventures-fast roller coaster rides and all. He was big and tough for his young age and everyone always mistook him and his older sister for twins. Being that Christian was the same size as Alexis, but that all changed the day he was diagnosed. Two days later, on August 12, 2003 I lost this boy for good.He went into surgery to remove the tumor and his left adrenal gland and he came out looking like this...
He looks sick in this picture. We were celebrating his little sister's, Kaleigh, 2nd birthday. He hadn't started his chemo treatments yet, but was scheduled to in a couple of days. This was one week after surgery. Poor guy, he aged to us so quickly from here on out. It took my all not to be crying every moment of everyday, but I just couldn't do that. Christian always had a smile on his face, even when he wasn't feeling good. He cried when I had to leave his side right before surgery. It broke my heart and I swore I wouldn't ever leave him again. I lied to him and to myself, because I did leave him. I'm here and he's gone now. During all his treatments I was right by his side and Eric and I never left him those whole 18 months. We sequestered ourselves to our home, so not to bring any bugs in the house, and in so doing a lot of people remained on the outside and even to this day they don't know what we went through. It's hard now, because there are some that just plain don't understand our emotions and get frustrated with us or with what we do or don't do. Our lives changed forever and will never be the same again. I struggle mostly with how to live this new life I've been forced to live. It's hard to think of living for another 50-60 years without Christian, but at the same time I want to live for my other children. This disease has constantly made me choose between two sides. In the beginning I had to make the choice between staying at home with our newborn and letting Eric take care of Christian during his 2 bone marrow transplants or bottle feeding our daughter and taking care of Christian. Now, I make the choice between wanting to be with my son and living here with my other six, beautiful children. It's not that I want to die, but I feel like I should be with my son. He was only 4 years old and he's all by himself. A mother should protect her son and I feel like I'm not doing that. But I also need to protect and raise my other children. It's a constant battle and one I can never fully win.
I try to realize he is in heaven with our other family members who have passed on and they will take care of Christian, but I'm a mom who needs to be there for ALL her children. My inner demons of letting Christian down haunt me daily and I hope to one day forgive myself and live happily. I feel I gave him this ugly disease and his death was my fault. I took that sweet, innocent, strong, 3 year old boy and turned him into the fragile, sick child we lost. I try to remember him as the child in the first picture, not the last. Unfortunately, bad images and images of him sick and in pain cloud my mind constantly. I pray that someday those images aren't the first ones that come to mind for me.

The day that started it all

It was Pioneer Day 2003 and our little family decided to go up to Logan for the day. It was just Alexis, Christian, Kaleigh, Eric, and me pregnant with Laney. We had fun looking at the temple and walked into the tabernacle to see the organ. The kids just loved running around. It was a very nice day. I love those family days where its just pure fun and nothing really happens to make it bad or feel like a lot of work. Some days with 3 small kids and pregnant with the fourth felt like pure work, but this day was so much fun.

Later that night Christian complained that his leg hurt and I just thought maybe he twisted it running around or something, so I kissed it and told him it would feel better soon. Throughout the next week he said it hurt and he started to limp. I took him into his pediatrician-she was a horrible pediatrician and we left her right after his diagnosis 2 weeks later, and she claimed it was some weird thing( I don't even remember what is was called) and I should just keep him on Motrin for the next 4 days around the clock. This so didn't sit well with me(later we found out from our current pediatrician-love him- that in order to make the diagnosis she gave us would have required a urine sample, stupid woman) and after another day of him limping and crying in pain I asked Eric to take him in and see another doctor.

On Sunday, August 10, 2003 in the afternoon, Eric took Christian into our pediatrician's office and met with a new doctor. He immediately sent them up to Primary Childrens Hospital's E.R. where our life turned upside down and has remained so since. The E.R. docs thought he might have appendicitis so they took some X-rays. They then told Eric that they found a mass and Christian needed to be admitted immediately! They didn't say tumor, but they said we have to run more tests. All this happened while I'm at home with Alexis, Kaleigh, and I have no car. He called me and told me what was going on and then told me his dad and mom were coming to pick us up. His parents-pure angels throughout this-watched the girls and drove me up to PC to see my boy. As Eric explained more to me a huge lump formed in my throat and I knew my little boy was in BIG trouble.

We met with some doctors who told us indeed they believed it was a tumor, they just didn't know what kind it was. They thought it was either Wilm's tumor or Neuroblastoma. We didn't know a thing about either, but they said they were hoping for Wilm's tumor due to it being easier to fight and cure. They scheduled him for surgery and on the 12th of August we were given the devastating news...

Your son has Neuroblastom stage IV-the deadliest and hardest cancer to fight and cure. I died a little that day. I wanted to know immediately how God could do this to us right now. I was 7 months pregnant with our fourth child and my son had just turned 3 two months before. How was this little boy's body suppose to endure all it was going to have to endure. Why, why, why? We listened to the docs, but all I heard was blah, blah, blah. I wanted to scream, and fight, and shelter my son from this horrible disease. And all I ended up doing was hugging him and holding him in my arms. I knew from that moment on, I needed to hold onto every moment I could with him, because I just knew he wasn't going to make it. I know it sounds bad, but a mom just knows. Don't get me wrong- I prayed, barted, begged even for God to cure him. Please, just make him live and beat this and you can have me. I prayed every second of the day, I just knew that it was not His will and not in His plan for my Christian. It has been my toughest obstacle to overcome, realizing that I can't nor could I then, pray Heavenly Father's will away. I still struggle with this fact today. There are just some things that you CANNOT pray away. The next 18 months were some of the hardest, and best moments of my life. I treasure most of them and I want to remember the great ones for the rest of my life. The most unfortunate thing is I also remember the horrible moments as if I'm reliving them now. I hope one day to have the great ones overpower the horrible ones.

The Beginning of it All

Christian Eric Hansen

My eldest boy was born on Tuesday, June 12, 2000 at 12:04 p.m. He was our biggest baby and my quickest birth. Funny that the biggest baby was delivered the quickest. Strange and remarkable. His delivery fit his short little life. He was a remarkable little guy and strange at times too. I wanted to write his story down so that if the heavens open and answer my prayers and I forget the horrendous ending of this sweet child, I will have it documented for future generations. This will be hard at times, but I feel it will be cathartic for me as well. Maybe I can get my frustrations, emotions, thoughts, etc. out of my head and actually think clearly for one day without pain clouding my thoughts. I will write his story in parts, largely because I don't think I can write the whole thing at once with tears welling up and spilling down my face. It's hard to think about, so writing it and putting it into words will be a real feat. One, two, three, here we go.

I always wanted a huge family and now I have that only, one child is missing. Christian is/was everything a mother wants in a little boy. He was our big tough and rumble boy and at the same time he was soft and cuddly too. He only lived a short 4 years and almost 8 months, but he filled our lives with such joy and love. He was our second child and was born only 16 1/2 months after our first child. He always moved crazily in my tummy and liked it so much in there that he wouldn't come out. He grew like crazy and I was sure he was just gonna pop right out of my belly. My belly couldn't stretch anymore and he was measuring 46 cm at 40 1/2 weeks. The doctor said it was time to get him out and so we went to be induced. My babies like my body so much that they have all been induced or delivered by C-sect. Crazy kids! My body also doesn't like to efface all the way so we had to go in on the night of the 11th for Cervidil. Fast forward to the morning of the 12th, my doctor broke my water at 7:30 in the morning and put me on pitocin. The nurses checked every hour and at 11 in the morning one said oh you're only at 7. You have awhile. Well I was feeling intense pain about 15 minutes later and my doc checked me and said o.k. time to push. What??? I couldn't believe it. They got everything ready and seriously no joke, 2 big pushes and my big baby boy was out! The nurses couldn't believe it, they were saying I can't believe you pushed that huge baby out. To me, Christian just looked like a little baby boy, until they told me how much he weighed and how long he was. My little guy weighed in at 9 lbs. 13 oz. and was 22 inches long. I was in labor for about 4 1/2 hours and pushed him out with only 2 pushes. Extremely remarkable, given that my tiniest baby-Kaleigh-weighed in at 7/10 and only 18 inches long took me 13 1/2 hours. However, the pushing stage has always been quick, usually about 3-5 pushes and they are out.

Fast forward to cuddling with my guy. He was so cute and long,long,long! He was a skinny, long baby for the first 6 months and then he finally got some chub only to lose it again when he turned 2. He grew so fast that my milk wasn't enough and didn't come fast enough for him. He's our only baby I didn't nurse for the first year. We only lasted until he was 3 months old and then switched to formula. He also had colic and his days and nights mixed up for the first 2 months of his life. It was tough, but I held him lots and just loved on him. He's the only child that I still have the photo of us sleeping together in our bed. I don't like myself in photos and the other kids' photos got thrown out or deleted. I'm glad I have Christian's. He didn't start sleeping through the night until he was 8 months old, but it was out of pure necessity. At that time in our lives it was just me, Alexis, and Christian. The hubs was living and working in Texas. The babies and I were waiting for our house to sell, all while I had a new little bun in the oven. Crazy times! I didn't know it then, but that was a piece of cake compared to what was headed our way.

Christian developed just like he was suppose to. He met all his development milestones, he was happy and extremely healthy. He was never sick, and I mean NEVER! He never even had a little cold. He was as healthy as an ox, until...