Our 2nd to last Christmas with Christian

Our little man endured 5 high dose chemo treatments and 2 stem cell recovery procedures all within 4 months. His treatment moved fast and the days were a spinning blur to me. Christmas was coming and the doctors wanted him to have his transplant a few days before which meant Christian would be in the hospital over Christmas-NO WAY WAS I WILLING TO DO THIS! They wanted me to give up what might be my last Christmas with my son, I was a WRECK! I knew he had to have the transplant, I just didn't want him in the hospital at Christmas. The doctors told us we kind of had no choice. The only way he wouldn't be is if his numbers weren't high enough yet. By the grace of God, it took Christian an extra week to get his numbers high enough for the transplant-so we got him home for Christmas. You see, his blood count had to be high enough, because the first 4 days of his transplant they would knock out his system completely with high doses of chemo so the stem cells would rebuild his immune system from the beginning. Scary stuff and I hope to never have to do it again to another one of my children. We enjoyed our luck of having Christian home and taped our entire Christmas celebration(usually we just tape coming down the stairs in the morning and opening their Santa gift). We felt very blessed to be home on this sacred day, but at the same time my heart was breaking about what was going to happen in two days. Christian was scheduled to enter PCMC on the 27th of December and I was told I wouldn't be able to see him because of the baby. I was a complete wreck, but after some long talks with the docs they agreed to let Laney come with me as long as Christian didn't hold her. This condition was very hard for him, because he loved holding his baby sister, but we didn't want the slight case of infection to harm him, so we abided by the docs' requests. We enjoyed every moment of our holiday with family and we tried to not think about the transplant, but everyone knew and felt the elephant in the room. It was a tenseful situation, but I'm still grateful for having Christian at home for Christmas. The small blessings that we received daily with Christian were numerous, even though it took me until now to realize them all. It's a hard thing to recognize all the ways we were blessed when the number one thing we prayed for didn't happen. It's a hard, sometimes unbearable thing, living without my son. I try everyday to not let it destroy or beat me. I know he's happy and healthier where he's at. I just wish I could still have him here and raise him with his sisters and brothers. I know through the grace of God and His love for me and the hubs we will make it through this new life we have and we WILL be with our son again, it will just be some time. My heart goes out to parents who loose their children in an instant, who have no time to prepare their goodbyes, no time to build up more memories, no time to prepare their child for leaving them, no time for that last kiss and hug. I'm grateful for the time, even though it was only 18 months. I'm grateful that God gave me Christian and entrusted me with his short, miraculous life. He was an amazing little boy and I will ache for him everyday for the rest of my life, but at least I know he is and will be mine FOREVER!