The treatments begin!

So, after his surgery we had his first high dose chemo scheduled only 6 days later. Because of his high-dose chemo, he needed to stay in the hospital. I was with him for 4 of the 5 chemos. Eric did the last one with him, due to the fact I had just had our 4th child. On Christian's 3rd treatment I had a huge problem and almost lost our baby. My blood pressure had crept up so high while all this was going on that I passed out and was needed to be seen by the doctors downstairs in the ER. It was a very scary and maddening event. I had to leave Christian in the middle of the night to stupidly take care of myself, but again, it was for the health of the new baby coming. Luckily, we were both fine after some time, but the stress was not helping and after that scare my doctor decided we needed to have the baby sooner rather than later. Hence why I was only able to be with my boy for his first 4 treatments.

He handled them all so well. He didn't get sick, we asked them to give him all that they could on the anti-nausea meds. He had a nice cocktail of 4 meds before receiving his chemo. It was a lot, but we wanted him to feel okay and not be sick all the time. God blessed us with Christian being well throughout all this time. And, although I didn't feel it at the time, he blessed us with having Laney when we did. Christian loved that little girl like she was his own. He was always holding, reading, and playing with her. Even when he wasn't feeling good at the end, he still wanted to play with her. We now have another pair just like that with Logan and Bella. Funny how life works out like that.

The worse thing about all his treatments was the day they had to do his 2nd stem cell recovery(this was so they could wash his stem cells and put them back during his transplant). It was scheduled for October 24th, the same day I HAD to be induced due to complications. Worst and best day of my life. Worst, because I had to make the choice to let my MIL be with Christian during his treatment, because Eric refused to miss Laney's birth. I didn't want him to miss it, but I felt like Christian needed at least one of his parents with him. It wasn't a bad thing to be doing, but it was yet again another procedure being done to his poor little 3 yr. old body. I wanted to be there with my boy, but our new little baby was at risk and so the choice was made for me-LABOR!

Luckily, the heavens were with us and both Christian and our new baby girl were taken care of and the day ended well. I just wish I had been able to be with Christian and then have Laney later. This was not to be the last time I would have to make a hard choice between Christian and the other children. The whole 18 months from start to finish included hard choices daily.

He was so happy though to come to meet his baby sister after his procedure. I was glad to see him and cried when I saw him hold her for the first time. I knew he wasn't going to get to see her grow up and it broke my heart. We only had whatever time God was going to grant us, but luckily through His graces, we were given almost every day of those 18 months without any infections or hospital days that weren't procedure days. On top of that, Eric was allowed to work from home so he could spend almost everyday with our sweet boy. Again, I wish I could say that I spent all my time with him, but after having a newborn I was unable to stay with him during his transplants so it fell to Eric. It was a good thing and bad thing at the same time. I wanted to be with him, but it gave Eric much needed time with his son. I went almost everyday to see them both, but it started taking a toll on the girls, so during his 2nd transplant I only went every other day, but we were blessed that he was able to come home quickly after both transplants. Usually after the first transplant patients stay for 4 weeks, Christian was home on day 22. Then after the 2nd one patients stay for 5-6 weeks, again Christian was home on day 23. Although God did not heal Christian, He did give us more time with him and made Christian well enough to be happy and playful. I miss my boy very much and it has been hard to do this journal(as you can tell, since I have not written for 5 months), especially right now with our other son's impending 5th birthday, but I need to do this for him and my other children. Christian Eric was a very special boy and a very amazing, strong spirit. I believe this more and more as I write the account of what took place through those short 18 months. He defied what doctors said would happen to him, many times. He was happy, when he should have been crying or scared. He looked healthy, when he should have looked sickly and weak. He even kept trying to hang on, when he should have let go. Finally, in the end, in heartfelt screams and pleading prayers, I asked for Heavenly Father to do His will and take my son away from his pain. Take him into His arms and take care of him in heaven since I couldn't bear to see him in pain. I told Christian it was okay to let go, we would be fine and OKAY without him. I would be with him shortly and we would be happy together. I lied to him, but he finally let go on Monday evening, February 7th, 2005. That night he passed through the veil and part of me did die with his passing and I am here now trying my hardest to find that part again, but know I might never.