This was Christian's 3rd birthday party at Jungle Jim's. He was always such a smiley guy and loved adventures-fast roller coaster rides and all. He was big and tough for his young age and everyone always mistook him and his older sister for twins. Being that Christian was the same size as Alexis, but that all changed the day he was diagnosed. Two days later, on August 12, 2003 I lost this boy for good.
He went into surgery to remove the tumor and his left adrenal gland and he came out looking like this...
He looks sick in this picture. We were celebrating his little sister's, Kaleigh, 2nd birthday. He hadn't started his chemo treatments yet, but was scheduled to in a couple of days. This was one week after surgery. Poor guy, he aged to us so quickly from here on out. It took my all not to be crying every moment of everyday, but I just couldn't do that. Christian always had a smile on his face, even when he wasn't feeling good. He cried when I had to leave his side right before surgery. It broke my heart and I swore I wouldn't ever leave him again. I lied to him and to myself, because I did leave him. I'm here and he's gone now. During all his treatments I was right by his side and Eric and I never left him those whole 18 months. We sequestered ourselves to our home, so not to bring any bugs in the house, and in so doing a lot of people remained on the outside and even to this day they don't know what we went through. It's hard now, because there are some that just plain don't understand our emotions and get frustrated with us or with what we do or don't do. Our lives changed forever and will never be the same again. I struggle mostly with how to live this new life I've been forced to live. It's hard to think of living for another 50-60 years without Christian, but at the same time I want to live for my other children. This disease has constantly made me choose between two sides. In the beginning I had to make the choice between staying at home with our newborn and letting Eric take care of Christian during his 2 bone marrow transplants or bottle feeding our daughter and taking care of Christian. Now, I make the choice between wanting to be with my son and living here with my other six, beautiful children. It's not that I want to die, but I feel like I should be with my son. He was only 4 years old and he's all by himself. A mother should protect her son and I feel like I'm not doing that. But I also need to protect and raise my other children. It's a constant battle and one I can never fully win.
I try to realize he is in heaven with our other family members who have passed on and they will take care of Christian, but I'm a mom who needs to be there for ALL her children. My inner demons of letting Christian down haunt me daily and I hope to one day forgive myself and live happily. I feel I gave him this ugly disease and his death was my fault. I took that sweet, innocent, strong, 3 year old boy and turned him into the fragile, sick child we lost. I try to remember him as the child in the first picture, not the last. Unfortunately, bad images and images of him sick and in pain cloud my mind constantly. I pray that someday those images aren't the first ones that come to mind for me.
He went into surgery to remove the tumor and his left adrenal gland and he came out looking like this...
He looks sick in this picture. We were celebrating his little sister's, Kaleigh, 2nd birthday. He hadn't started his chemo treatments yet, but was scheduled to in a couple of days. This was one week after surgery. Poor guy, he aged to us so quickly from here on out. It took my all not to be crying every moment of everyday, but I just couldn't do that. Christian always had a smile on his face, even when he wasn't feeling good. He cried when I had to leave his side right before surgery. It broke my heart and I swore I wouldn't ever leave him again. I lied to him and to myself, because I did leave him. I'm here and he's gone now. During all his treatments I was right by his side and Eric and I never left him those whole 18 months. We sequestered ourselves to our home, so not to bring any bugs in the house, and in so doing a lot of people remained on the outside and even to this day they don't know what we went through. It's hard now, because there are some that just plain don't understand our emotions and get frustrated with us or with what we do or don't do. Our lives changed forever and will never be the same again. I struggle mostly with how to live this new life I've been forced to live. It's hard to think of living for another 50-60 years without Christian, but at the same time I want to live for my other children. This disease has constantly made me choose between two sides. In the beginning I had to make the choice between staying at home with our newborn and letting Eric take care of Christian during his 2 bone marrow transplants or bottle feeding our daughter and taking care of Christian. Now, I make the choice between wanting to be with my son and living here with my other six, beautiful children. It's not that I want to die, but I feel like I should be with my son. He was only 4 years old and he's all by himself. A mother should protect her son and I feel like I'm not doing that. But I also need to protect and raise my other children. It's a constant battle and one I can never fully win.I try to realize he is in heaven with our other family members who have passed on and they will take care of Christian, but I'm a mom who needs to be there for ALL her children. My inner demons of letting Christian down haunt me daily and I hope to one day forgive myself and live happily. I feel I gave him this ugly disease and his death was my fault. I took that sweet, innocent, strong, 3 year old boy and turned him into the fragile, sick child we lost. I try to remember him as the child in the first picture, not the last. Unfortunately, bad images and images of him sick and in pain cloud my mind constantly. I pray that someday those images aren't the first ones that come to mind for me.
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