The day that started it all

It was Pioneer Day 2003 and our little family decided to go up to Logan for the day. It was just Alexis, Christian, Kaleigh, Eric, and me pregnant with Laney. We had fun looking at the temple and walked into the tabernacle to see the organ. The kids just loved running around. It was a very nice day. I love those family days where its just pure fun and nothing really happens to make it bad or feel like a lot of work. Some days with 3 small kids and pregnant with the fourth felt like pure work, but this day was so much fun.

Later that night Christian complained that his leg hurt and I just thought maybe he twisted it running around or something, so I kissed it and told him it would feel better soon. Throughout the next week he said it hurt and he started to limp. I took him into his pediatrician-she was a horrible pediatrician and we left her right after his diagnosis 2 weeks later, and she claimed it was some weird thing( I don't even remember what is was called) and I should just keep him on Motrin for the next 4 days around the clock. This so didn't sit well with me(later we found out from our current pediatrician-love him- that in order to make the diagnosis she gave us would have required a urine sample, stupid woman) and after another day of him limping and crying in pain I asked Eric to take him in and see another doctor.

On Sunday, August 10, 2003 in the afternoon, Eric took Christian into our pediatrician's office and met with a new doctor. He immediately sent them up to Primary Childrens Hospital's E.R. where our life turned upside down and has remained so since. The E.R. docs thought he might have appendicitis so they took some X-rays. They then told Eric that they found a mass and Christian needed to be admitted immediately! They didn't say tumor, but they said we have to run more tests. All this happened while I'm at home with Alexis, Kaleigh, and I have no car. He called me and told me what was going on and then told me his dad and mom were coming to pick us up. His parents-pure angels throughout this-watched the girls and drove me up to PC to see my boy. As Eric explained more to me a huge lump formed in my throat and I knew my little boy was in BIG trouble.

We met with some doctors who told us indeed they believed it was a tumor, they just didn't know what kind it was. They thought it was either Wilm's tumor or Neuroblastoma. We didn't know a thing about either, but they said they were hoping for Wilm's tumor due to it being easier to fight and cure. They scheduled him for surgery and on the 12th of August we were given the devastating news...

Your son has Neuroblastom stage IV-the deadliest and hardest cancer to fight and cure. I died a little that day. I wanted to know immediately how God could do this to us right now. I was 7 months pregnant with our fourth child and my son had just turned 3 two months before. How was this little boy's body suppose to endure all it was going to have to endure. Why, why, why? We listened to the docs, but all I heard was blah, blah, blah. I wanted to scream, and fight, and shelter my son from this horrible disease. And all I ended up doing was hugging him and holding him in my arms. I knew from that moment on, I needed to hold onto every moment I could with him, because I just knew he wasn't going to make it. I know it sounds bad, but a mom just knows. Don't get me wrong- I prayed, barted, begged even for God to cure him. Please, just make him live and beat this and you can have me. I prayed every second of the day, I just knew that it was not His will and not in His plan for my Christian. It has been my toughest obstacle to overcome, realizing that I can't nor could I then, pray Heavenly Father's will away. I still struggle with this fact today. There are just some things that you CANNOT pray away. The next 18 months were some of the hardest, and best moments of my life. I treasure most of them and I want to remember the great ones for the rest of my life. The most unfortunate thing is I also remember the horrible moments as if I'm reliving them now. I hope one day to have the great ones overpower the horrible ones.