My new Christian

This was Christian's 3rd birthday party at Jungle Jim's. He was always such a smiley guy and loved adventures-fast roller coaster rides and all. He was big and tough for his young age and everyone always mistook him and his older sister for twins. Being that Christian was the same size as Alexis, but that all changed the day he was diagnosed. Two days later, on August 12, 2003 I lost this boy for good.He went into surgery to remove the tumor and his left adrenal gland and he came out looking like this...
He looks sick in this picture. We were celebrating his little sister's, Kaleigh, 2nd birthday. He hadn't started his chemo treatments yet, but was scheduled to in a couple of days. This was one week after surgery. Poor guy, he aged to us so quickly from here on out. It took my all not to be crying every moment of everyday, but I just couldn't do that. Christian always had a smile on his face, even when he wasn't feeling good. He cried when I had to leave his side right before surgery. It broke my heart and I swore I wouldn't ever leave him again. I lied to him and to myself, because I did leave him. I'm here and he's gone now. During all his treatments I was right by his side and Eric and I never left him those whole 18 months. We sequestered ourselves to our home, so not to bring any bugs in the house, and in so doing a lot of people remained on the outside and even to this day they don't know what we went through. It's hard now, because there are some that just plain don't understand our emotions and get frustrated with us or with what we do or don't do. Our lives changed forever and will never be the same again. I struggle mostly with how to live this new life I've been forced to live. It's hard to think of living for another 50-60 years without Christian, but at the same time I want to live for my other children. This disease has constantly made me choose between two sides. In the beginning I had to make the choice between staying at home with our newborn and letting Eric take care of Christian during his 2 bone marrow transplants or bottle feeding our daughter and taking care of Christian. Now, I make the choice between wanting to be with my son and living here with my other six, beautiful children. It's not that I want to die, but I feel like I should be with my son. He was only 4 years old and he's all by himself. A mother should protect her son and I feel like I'm not doing that. But I also need to protect and raise my other children. It's a constant battle and one I can never fully win.
I try to realize he is in heaven with our other family members who have passed on and they will take care of Christian, but I'm a mom who needs to be there for ALL her children. My inner demons of letting Christian down haunt me daily and I hope to one day forgive myself and live happily. I feel I gave him this ugly disease and his death was my fault. I took that sweet, innocent, strong, 3 year old boy and turned him into the fragile, sick child we lost. I try to remember him as the child in the first picture, not the last. Unfortunately, bad images and images of him sick and in pain cloud my mind constantly. I pray that someday those images aren't the first ones that come to mind for me.

The day that started it all

It was Pioneer Day 2003 and our little family decided to go up to Logan for the day. It was just Alexis, Christian, Kaleigh, Eric, and me pregnant with Laney. We had fun looking at the temple and walked into the tabernacle to see the organ. The kids just loved running around. It was a very nice day. I love those family days where its just pure fun and nothing really happens to make it bad or feel like a lot of work. Some days with 3 small kids and pregnant with the fourth felt like pure work, but this day was so much fun.

Later that night Christian complained that his leg hurt and I just thought maybe he twisted it running around or something, so I kissed it and told him it would feel better soon. Throughout the next week he said it hurt and he started to limp. I took him into his pediatrician-she was a horrible pediatrician and we left her right after his diagnosis 2 weeks later, and she claimed it was some weird thing( I don't even remember what is was called) and I should just keep him on Motrin for the next 4 days around the clock. This so didn't sit well with me(later we found out from our current pediatrician-love him- that in order to make the diagnosis she gave us would have required a urine sample, stupid woman) and after another day of him limping and crying in pain I asked Eric to take him in and see another doctor.

On Sunday, August 10, 2003 in the afternoon, Eric took Christian into our pediatrician's office and met with a new doctor. He immediately sent them up to Primary Childrens Hospital's E.R. where our life turned upside down and has remained so since. The E.R. docs thought he might have appendicitis so they took some X-rays. They then told Eric that they found a mass and Christian needed to be admitted immediately! They didn't say tumor, but they said we have to run more tests. All this happened while I'm at home with Alexis, Kaleigh, and I have no car. He called me and told me what was going on and then told me his dad and mom were coming to pick us up. His parents-pure angels throughout this-watched the girls and drove me up to PC to see my boy. As Eric explained more to me a huge lump formed in my throat and I knew my little boy was in BIG trouble.

We met with some doctors who told us indeed they believed it was a tumor, they just didn't know what kind it was. They thought it was either Wilm's tumor or Neuroblastoma. We didn't know a thing about either, but they said they were hoping for Wilm's tumor due to it being easier to fight and cure. They scheduled him for surgery and on the 12th of August we were given the devastating news...

Your son has Neuroblastom stage IV-the deadliest and hardest cancer to fight and cure. I died a little that day. I wanted to know immediately how God could do this to us right now. I was 7 months pregnant with our fourth child and my son had just turned 3 two months before. How was this little boy's body suppose to endure all it was going to have to endure. Why, why, why? We listened to the docs, but all I heard was blah, blah, blah. I wanted to scream, and fight, and shelter my son from this horrible disease. And all I ended up doing was hugging him and holding him in my arms. I knew from that moment on, I needed to hold onto every moment I could with him, because I just knew he wasn't going to make it. I know it sounds bad, but a mom just knows. Don't get me wrong- I prayed, barted, begged even for God to cure him. Please, just make him live and beat this and you can have me. I prayed every second of the day, I just knew that it was not His will and not in His plan for my Christian. It has been my toughest obstacle to overcome, realizing that I can't nor could I then, pray Heavenly Father's will away. I still struggle with this fact today. There are just some things that you CANNOT pray away. The next 18 months were some of the hardest, and best moments of my life. I treasure most of them and I want to remember the great ones for the rest of my life. The most unfortunate thing is I also remember the horrible moments as if I'm reliving them now. I hope one day to have the great ones overpower the horrible ones.

The Beginning of it All

Christian Eric Hansen

My eldest boy was born on Tuesday, June 12, 2000 at 12:04 p.m. He was our biggest baby and my quickest birth. Funny that the biggest baby was delivered the quickest. Strange and remarkable. His delivery fit his short little life. He was a remarkable little guy and strange at times too. I wanted to write his story down so that if the heavens open and answer my prayers and I forget the horrendous ending of this sweet child, I will have it documented for future generations. This will be hard at times, but I feel it will be cathartic for me as well. Maybe I can get my frustrations, emotions, thoughts, etc. out of my head and actually think clearly for one day without pain clouding my thoughts. I will write his story in parts, largely because I don't think I can write the whole thing at once with tears welling up and spilling down my face. It's hard to think about, so writing it and putting it into words will be a real feat. One, two, three, here we go.

I always wanted a huge family and now I have that only, one child is missing. Christian is/was everything a mother wants in a little boy. He was our big tough and rumble boy and at the same time he was soft and cuddly too. He only lived a short 4 years and almost 8 months, but he filled our lives with such joy and love. He was our second child and was born only 16 1/2 months after our first child. He always moved crazily in my tummy and liked it so much in there that he wouldn't come out. He grew like crazy and I was sure he was just gonna pop right out of my belly. My belly couldn't stretch anymore and he was measuring 46 cm at 40 1/2 weeks. The doctor said it was time to get him out and so we went to be induced. My babies like my body so much that they have all been induced or delivered by C-sect. Crazy kids! My body also doesn't like to efface all the way so we had to go in on the night of the 11th for Cervidil. Fast forward to the morning of the 12th, my doctor broke my water at 7:30 in the morning and put me on pitocin. The nurses checked every hour and at 11 in the morning one said oh you're only at 7. You have awhile. Well I was feeling intense pain about 15 minutes later and my doc checked me and said o.k. time to push. What??? I couldn't believe it. They got everything ready and seriously no joke, 2 big pushes and my big baby boy was out! The nurses couldn't believe it, they were saying I can't believe you pushed that huge baby out. To me, Christian just looked like a little baby boy, until they told me how much he weighed and how long he was. My little guy weighed in at 9 lbs. 13 oz. and was 22 inches long. I was in labor for about 4 1/2 hours and pushed him out with only 2 pushes. Extremely remarkable, given that my tiniest baby-Kaleigh-weighed in at 7/10 and only 18 inches long took me 13 1/2 hours. However, the pushing stage has always been quick, usually about 3-5 pushes and they are out.

Fast forward to cuddling with my guy. He was so cute and long,long,long! He was a skinny, long baby for the first 6 months and then he finally got some chub only to lose it again when he turned 2. He grew so fast that my milk wasn't enough and didn't come fast enough for him. He's our only baby I didn't nurse for the first year. We only lasted until he was 3 months old and then switched to formula. He also had colic and his days and nights mixed up for the first 2 months of his life. It was tough, but I held him lots and just loved on him. He's the only child that I still have the photo of us sleeping together in our bed. I don't like myself in photos and the other kids' photos got thrown out or deleted. I'm glad I have Christian's. He didn't start sleeping through the night until he was 8 months old, but it was out of pure necessity. At that time in our lives it was just me, Alexis, and Christian. The hubs was living and working in Texas. The babies and I were waiting for our house to sell, all while I had a new little bun in the oven. Crazy times! I didn't know it then, but that was a piece of cake compared to what was headed our way.

Christian developed just like he was suppose to. He met all his development milestones, he was happy and extremely healthy. He was never sick, and I mean NEVER! He never even had a little cold. He was as healthy as an ox, until...